Haunted by a million screams

[Jason Carlson]

He kicked his clothing to the corner of his room, lowering himself down onto the edge of the bed while he finished buttoning up the clean pair of jeans he had just slipped into, his body falling backwards to sprawl out over the mattress, legs hanging over the edge. His hand brushed his still damp hair down and flat, trailing down to cover his face, pinching the bridge of his nose as he closed his eyes and tried to slip into some sort of positive mindframe. Fucked if he knew why he agreed to finally talk. Not talking worked just as well. Sorta.

Not talking meant not fighting, meant not yelling, and meant there was no chance of either one of them getting to the point where tears where shed. As far as things went for him, Griffin already saw him cry more times than he cared. Wether it be due to pain, frustration or whatever else; he saw it enough. Hearing the sound of a key in the front door started him, causing him to sit up and remind himself it was Griffin and no one else. "I'm in my room." he called out for no reason in praticular other than to let him know he was home already.

Sliding himself off the mattress, he picked up the worn black tee shirt from next to him, string arms wiggling into the sleeves with a sigh, quickly tugging it down his stomach. "I didn't know what you wanted to eat so I waited.." he spoke while walking, rounding the corner to the living room, his steps taken slowly purposely. "Figured..we could just order from one of those stupid twenty four hour places." he paused once he was close enough, running his eyes up the chorus of the long body ahead. "Sorry if the hot water in the shower isn't the greatest. I..was a little achey and tired." he moved away in direction of one of the couches, eyes peering back at him to once again take him in.

[Griffin Cole]

He'd flexed his fingers over and over when he stood at the door, finally pushing it open to lock it behind himself. "Huh?" eyes were squinted, hand shaking as he held the paperwork between his large hands. Nodding, he tossed his bag to the floor, shrugging out of his jacket. He threw the the paper to the couch, his fingers curling against the tan skin, looking down at his pale skin against Jason's. The contrast always, always took his breath away, from the first time he had laid his hand against his chest, and looked into his eyes to now, as he bent his knees to lean down a little, kissing him hard and fast. "He said you can go back." he hissed, toeing off his sneakers before kissing him again. "The doctor..." he pressed his hand against his chest, and pulled it away slowly as he walked back towards the kitchen. His shoulders slumped, brown hair falling into his eyes as he tucked his chin to his chest, disappearing around the corner. "...don't really care. Get whatever you feel like eating.."

[Jason Carlson]

"I know. I got a call a little while ago." He dragged himself to the long leather couch, sitting down and bringing a knee up to his chest, lowering his head so that his chin could rest comfortabely on his knee. He narrowed his eyes while watching Griffin move around and away, his jaw girtting. "Wow..you sound..like you're thrilled for me." his other leg tucked against his chest, arms drapped over his knees. He huffed out a heavy sigh and simply shook his head. He never understood his need to walk away while claiming he wanted to talk at the same time earlier in the day or just hours before, he never would. "Last time I got what I felt like eating you didn't like it. So I'm sure it'd be easier if we just agreed on something." he hissed, leaning his head back to fall to rest against the cushions. Jason's hands moved up to his eyes, palms rubbing at them furiously as he groaned. "...If I ask what's wrong are you gonna tell me or is the only answer I'm gonna get the sound of the bathroom door slaming?" he dropped his heavy hands back, sitting up and leaning forward in an attempt to look across at him. "Griffin!"

[Griffin Cole]

"You're going back, aren't you?"? when he was upset, Griffin noticed how large he actually was. How hish and swallowed the beer bottle, how he loomed over the other man. "you were SHOT, Jay!" he slammed the bottle down onto the table, " I stayed up every night..watching you sleep. Helped you take care of yourself..you're just.." his hands fell helplessly at his sides with a sad sigh. "You're just gonna go back."

He inched back towards the kitchen, his hands holded over his neck, shaking his head as he disappeared around the corner, slamming cabinets, throwing things to the floor, his jaw gritted, lips pulled tight. "Don't." he didn't even turn around, his long back facing Jason, arms folded over the top of his head, pulling up the hem of his scrub top. "I know what you're going to say. The same thing you told me when..you told me you wanted to try and go back. Not that it really actually matters this time, because I?" he turned around sharply, eyes wide with sadness, "I'm just your roommate."

[Jason Carlson]

"So what to do you want me to do? Not go back because you're scared?" he made it a point to move slow, pushing up from the couch with a lack of any real effort. The longer it took him to get closer the better, the second he saw that look in Griffin's eyes he'd be done for either way. "It's the job. It's my job. It..that stuff comes with it. What do you want me to do, Griff? Sit behind a desk all day?" he held his arms out to his sides, eyes wide and wet as frustration built up inside.

He dropped his arms back down and took a shaky step backwards, watching the random things fall to the floor with wide eyes. In no way did he exactly fear him, just sort of feared his temper and the things that got said when either of them were upset. "What?" he swallowed hard, looking up to meet his gaze. "..You think that you're just my roommate?" his lips pursed, wet eyes growing large while his bottom lip quivered. Jason bit down on it, head shaking. "Okay, fine. You're just my roommate and..all that I love you stuff I once told you? It doesn't have any meaning. I..stayed here after we broke up, cause you're just a roommate now.." he scowled, back turning to him as he made his way down the hall. "I'm not hungry anymore."

[Griffin Cole]

He reached for his wrist, pulling him back to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulder, head bowed to his shoulder. "I'm scared. I'm scared because I know there's...times you don't even remember, when you were..so out of it. You're a different person now than you were..before. I don't want to lose you." his hand rested over the back of his head, grasping softly to the back of his hair, "I miss you. I miss you, and I don't.." he took a deep breath, and leaned down till he kneeled in front of him. hands on his hips.

"I'm sorry." he moved away and moved back slowly, turning his back to the other man. "I'm sorry."

[Jason Carlson]

He turned into his arms, his face pressed up against his chest as he listened to him speak, eyes squeezed shut tightly. Really, it was only Griffin that made him fell like a small protected kid again, which for him was a change. "I'm scared too.." his voice was soft, a single hand sliding up to his waist, grasping onto it with a firm hold. "And I miss you too, I do. I really..I miss being able to tell you certain things, cause..I just don't know how you'll react anymore." his head rose up from his chest, eyes searching his.

"Come here..don't walk away.." he grabbed onto Griffin's wrist, Jason's grip tightening, and pulling him back toward him. "Sorry for what? Tell me one thing you have to be sorry for?" he reached up, cupping his hand over his face. "I don't want you to be sorry."

[Griffin Cole]

The first time he'd looked down into his eyes, Jason asked him if he believed in heaven. The second time he didn't say anything, but Jason kept searching Griffin's eyes, like somewhere deep down in there was the answer to why he was the one who stepped forward, why it took him few seconds too long to shoot his gun. "This is what you've always done. You talk about it in your sleep."

His cheek rested easily over the top of Jason's hair, hand smoothing over the back of his wrinkled tee shirt. No matter how much sun he got, he never got as dark as the other man, and always sort of marveled how stark things looked against Jason's skin. Black made his eyes crispier, dark rinsed jeans made his legs looked stronger. Worn jeans made his skin look darker, and Griffin's eyes caught on his fingers against his lower back, pulling away slowly. "I don't want to...say I want you back. I want to do this again and then have you walk out there..." the words caught in his throat, and Griffin turned away sharply, resting his face in his hands, elbows propped up against the counter.

[Jason Carlson]

His hand on his hip gripped just a little tighter, fingers digging into skin until they pressed into the bone, sad eyes trying to search his. He kept staring up at him, his teeth sinking hard into the skin of his bottom lip, hand pulling back from him as if it were on fire. "I can't sit behind a desk. I can't..not be out there helping people. It's not who I am.."

Once he pulled away for what felt like the millionth, Jason's chest puffed out only to fall back down with a heavy hearted sigh. His hand rose up to run over the course of his face, index and thumb rubbing hard at his eyes. "Griffin.." he dropped his hand, the heavy limb slapping against his outer thigh. "..I can't tell you if it's going to happen again.." he stepped in closer, a hesitant hand laying between his shoulderblades. "But I know when something like that comes up again, I won't be so quick to not think and just pull out my gun." he leaned down, pushing his hand away from his face, allowing him the space to kiss up the side of his jaw, behind his ear.

[Griffin Cole]

His head leaned back against his shoulder, a hand behind him bracing himself agaisnt the wall. He looked back up at him, scanning his eyes as he bit at his bottom lip roughly. "I'm young, I'm not stupid. You're an adrenaline junkie. That one time we went to the amusement park, you were the first one to run up there and help that family with the lost kid. You need to be in the middle..of all that." He closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before his eyes fluttered open, bloodshot as they looked back at Jason. "I don't know if I can..deal with that again. Sometimes..." his eyes started to water, tears dripping down his cheeks, bottom lip quivering, "Sometimes when you sleep really still...it's like..that. You on the gurney. I spent all that time trying to ...stop the bleeding, I was so.." he shook his head, tucking his chin to his chest, "So caught up that by the time I looked up and saw you...don't do that to me again?"

[Jason Carlson]

He brought his shaky hands up to his face, using the pad of his thumb to brush away the tears on his cheeks, his eyes looking broken and scared. "Come on..." he trailed one of his thumbs down, sweeping it over his bottom lip slowly. "Getting shot..wasn't entirely a bad thing. Look, it's how we met. How we fell in love. Yeah, the situation - the circumstances, they're rough, but they brough us together." he leaned up, kissing is bottom lip softly. "I know it scares you, know it worries you. But I can't control what happens to me on the job, I can just do my best to prevent it and..I would hope," he swallowed hard, tear filled eyes glancing down at the floor, "That you wouldn't let this stop us from being happy. The thing that brought us together..shouldn't be the reason we're apart." he looked up at him, chuckling nervously with a shrug of his shoulders. "..Cause I love you still."

[Griffin Cole]

His hands pulled into fists, and beat at the front of his chest. "Don't do that." he shook his head, wrapping his arms around the man's chest, wincing as they slid down. He'd gained weight, and slowly started to lose it when Jason found out about the physical that could put him back on patrol. "Not right now. Not when...I had a little kid come in, and this girl who'd tried to kill herself...Don't tell me you getting shot is a good thing." his eyebrows knit, sucking in his cheeks as he bit back on his bottom lip. "luck of the draw you got me, you know?" he laughed softly, his voice cracking, "Mary and Bailey couldn't lift you off the gurney." he swallowed hard, closing his eyes to blink back tears. "Joe was with a patient who kept trying to tear out his iv...we were so busy that night." he smoothed his hand under his tee shirt, drawing his nails softly over his chest. "you refused to talk. Your partner was scared shitless. Gary looked..like he'd been hurt more than you. Not till we took off your shirt, you looked away for that...not till we took off your shirt.." his hand went up to curl his palm around his shoulder, "I saw it. That's when I caught your eye..and god..." he started to cry, "I can't do that."

[Jason Carlson]

He closed his eyes, taking each hit until his back was pressed up against the wall, chesting beging to rise and fall as he fought to hold his emotions in. "I can't tell you it's not gonna happen again..I don't..I can't tell you it won't cause then I'm just lying to you, to myself. I'm just as scared to go back out there." he looked down at the floor, sliding a hand down the front of his chest slowly, resting it over the waistband of his scrubs. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to react. " he clicked his tongue against his cheek, blinking his eyes as he sniffled, and curled his fingers in the material. "Always had thought it wouldn't happen to me, then it did, and I was frustrated, and mad, felt weak, stupid for letting it happen..and then you came along, and it wasn't so bad. Having you around? It doesn't make it so bad." he looked up at him, lip quivering. "

[Griffin Cole]

He tugged Jason back, pulling him with him back into the bedroom, hands sliding up his shirt to pull the clothes from his chest, pulling back from the feverish kisses to drop the crumbled black tee to the floor. His long fingers curled into the belt loops of his jeans, pulling the older man over him, throwing his lanky frame against the mattress, scooting up to try and spread himself out under him. His leg bent at Jason's side, hands on his face as he bucked up under his chest, pressing back into the kisses. "Just say it." he whimpered, his head falling back to the headboard, hands falling back to rest over the back of Jason's neck. "Say it now..I..I can't. God, I've wanted to. This morning, in the doctor's office, ask you to..just say it, please?" hardest part of breaking up and still being around him was it was so easy to quickly become vunerable again. There was no other person besides Griffin's dad that could bring him down that easily, make him become or feel like a small, scared, wide eyed kid on the verge of tears, and it felt even stronger, more frightening lay underneath him.

[Jason Carlson]

He landed over the taller body in a heap, legs straddling either side of the long frame beneath him. He curled his shoulders over him, and pressed kiss after kiss against his lips, hands sliding down his sides to rest on his narrow hips. The hands on his face made him feel small, always did, not just in comparrison, small - period. He leaned his cheek into the palm of one of his large hands, brows furrowed. "I need you, I miss you.." he rested his forehead to his, tangling fingers in the fabric of his scrubs, using them to pull their his flush. "I want you back, god, I want you back so bad. I can't sleep at night and it's not just from a sore shoulder. It's the pain in my chest, the constant nagging and beating myself up for losing you I just.." he slid his arms up through Griffin's, his hands cupping his face. "I want you back, I want us to be together, like we should be.: wide, wet scared eyes searched his, eyebrows knitting in worry. "Please. I know, I know you're scared, I'm scared. But if I've got you things aren't so bad, please, Griff. Don't make me beg you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.."